The Weaving of the Web 3....

If one could take a photo of the inside of my brain, I sometimes think this is what it would look like....

Hmmm - could be worse I suppose.... and on the other hand, I see the beauty in this drawing. What can at first appear as a black hole or a void in the middle, can also be construed as the way straight through the middle. All depends on your perspective doesn't it? 

The Weaving of the Web 2.

pen and ink  size 29 x 42cms

The tangled web we weave is a metaphor for how often we attempt to deceive our self. To convince our self of that which we know is not in our best interests. It represents the constraints and the constrictions that we place upon our self in our attempts to conform to what we think is expected of us.

The Weaving of the Web Series ...

Oh my what a surprise ... more of the weaving journey and visual expression!!

The series continues and I have to admit; I have loved doing these. Hours upon hours of intricate lines and mark making, connecting, inter-weaving, layering. I have loved every minute of it.

Some may say it is 'overworked' ( a common failing of mine), however these pen and ink drawings represent my internal thoughts and feelings process more than anything else!!

It has taken a very long time for me to accept the fact that there are two sides to my personality, the one that dislikes restriction & confinement who needs flexibility and freedom in my life. And then the other side which likes and needs structure, organisation and process. 'We' are often at war and in conflict with each other.

And the ongoing search for balance within my self and my life is so hard to achieve at times. Inner peace and harmony often evades me. The truth is, the only time I ever feel in 'that space' is when I am drawing, painting or creating.

Then and only then, does time and place cease to exist, there is only the present, the inner sense of being authentic and true to my self.

And so it is ....

Series : Elements of Complexity 3 ...

pen and ink

Well the cropping of this photo (and let's not even talk about the wonderful photography skills with glass reflection!!) sucks big time.

Just for a minute I'm going to digress and mention that many many years ago, (often referred to by me, as 'another life time ago') I learnt, as part of our studies, how to not only use a Pentax SLR camera, which one manually adjusted, but also to learn the dark room processes of processing and printing my own negatives and photos.

Oh yes, I struggled with the technical components yes, (my brain doesn't do maths, sciences, and technology very well at all!) yet I still managed to take great shots.  Fast forward X amount of years and boy am I struggling with understanding this digital camera thing!! 

Okay back to the final images in this series of works.

The concept of weaving and webs is apparent with the use of the square & rectangle format to signify containment of  emotion and energy.

The Collins dictionary defines 'Contained .... as restraining, to hold, to prevent ( ) from operating beyond a certain area...'

The use of words constrained, restrained, and constricted strongly feature in many of my concepts.

They are of course representative of my internal and external belief structure and desire for freedom and liberation, knowing however, that our past, present and future are all entwined and inter-connected.

Wow we're getting into some heavy stuff here!

And so it has begun....

The first baby steps have been taken, and yet on the other hand they feel almost like giant leaps !

And in fact they are giant leaps - through and over and under the hurdles in life to have arrived at this particular point in life.

How does it feel ?....damn fine today thank you!!

These blogs have become part of my healing journey. The need to express what is within, has become essential to my well being.

The perfectionist streak within me that is often so debilitating, forces me to be honest, to face my fears, and to 'risk'.

I am truly grateful.

From the corners of my mind....

Art  .... the creative elements of painting, drawing, mixed media, hand built pottery and yes, writing are as necessary to me as breathing.

To be true to myself, to be authentic however, is something I have struggled with all my life .

The deeply held belief that somehow I just wasn't 'good enough' as I was; meant that I was always trying to be 'perfect'.

Admittedly I am simplifying it because this wasn't a conscious decision on my part.
All I knew was that 'I didn't quite fit in'.
The 'square peg in a round whole' scenario !!

And so I stuffed down core elements of my self and tried to be the best I could be in the 'roles' assigned and accepted by me in this reality!

However sooner or later, all that one has stuffed down seems determined to emerge and force one to re-examine one's life.

2009 was a year when it all came to a head. All the health and life 'issues' that I had tucked under the carpet, became a 'crisis'. Externally I epitomised the successful mature career woman, mother and grandmother; however the 'façade' began to crumble early in that year.

Major health issues forced me to admit and recognise I was at breaking point and could no longer live a life that was so far from my 'authentic, true self' ....

The problem was in the hustle and bustle of everyday reality, working 7 days a week, often with no more than 3 or 4 hours sleep a night, trying to 'do and be' for everyone and everything else; I had lost who I was and what I needed.

 courtesy of Konrad Mostert

So last year was spent licking my wounds, healing both physically, mentally and emotionally.
It was and is, a long process and the journey still continues.
Every single facet of my life needed to be examined as, despite outward appearances, my lack of belief and confidence in my self (to simply be 'good enough'), was so negative and soul destroying. I had to 'uncover' before I could 'recover'.

After an absence of art and creativity in my life for a number of years, late last year I felt compelled to pick up graphite, paints, canvas and paper again.

And once I started, it was like the opening of a floodgate.
Once again, time and place ceased to exist and the 'act of creating' was all that mattered.

Obsessively the act of mark making became both a healing and a driving force.
The beginnings of a visual dialogue again ....
aarh the sweetness, the delight, the concepts and theories that began to resurface, the long held beliefs and the internal once more visible ....
the aspect of self so long denied.

Denied and repressed in order for me to function in our so called (material) reality.
The exquisite joy of referencing the link between the mind and emotions in an abstracted and oh so detailed biological and anatomical manner ....

And I started to feel the peace within that comes from doing what is necessary to mind, body and soul.

courtesy of Colin Broug

However it is a journey. One of baby steps. To break a life time of conditioning and negative beliefs can be one step forward, one step back until the balance is achieved.

The Journey towards Authenticity continues ....