One step, two steps . . .

Once again, it's late at night here . . . my favourite time of day . . . the frogs are out croaking and yet I still hear the flapping of the bats wings as they land in the palm trees near my room; the only sounds in the still darkness of night. Soon I hope the rain will start again. I love the sound and smell of rain on a warm summers night. . .

So much has been happening lately that like many of us, my head is still spinning when I attempt to sleep. The mind and body is tired and aching and yet there is a restlessness within me.

It has been a major time of shifting, sorting, healing and learning.
Transcending, transmuting and transforming
I am no longer that which I was; and yet who I am is still too come into being.

Each baby step has felt like giant leaps as time and again the old habitual patterns of behaviour, thoughts and feelings leapt out to entwine and entangle, to choke and strangle the fragile emerging changes.

Anger and tears, frustration and pain intermingled with dreams and hopes, passion and desire.

And as I carefully cocooned myself within . . .  from the outside world as much as I could . . . I knew this to be a necessity for both my protection and growth . . . and gradually, little by little I lost the pervading sense of guilt in doing so. How difficult it is at times to do what we know, deep in our hearts, is best for us.

As we approach the end of the year, instead of focusing on Christmas to the exclusion of all else (as I've done for most of my life), I find myself reflecting on all that has occurred during the year and the changes beginning to form within me.

Art in the form of painting and drawing has once again become all consuming as I attempt to express visually all these thoughts and feelings hammering around within.

Additionally I have spent a lot of time experimenting with different tools & mediums. Exploring a different palette of colours, different makes of pen and ink and the list goes on. Of course that has also meant endless obsessional hours spent online researching, locating and reviewing these art resources!!

Yes

Sometimes the soul and authentic self know far more what is needed, what is necessary than the conscious mind with all of its yammer yammer. . .

Yes

One step, two steps . . .

Welcome to my Rants, Raves and Musings Blog!

Being Authentic ~

.I am independent!
. I love detailed work

. I have a weird sense of humour

. I am a 'work in progress'

. I always take responsibility

. I am good at 'avoidance'

. I am a procrastinator

. I am an INFP (Meyers- Briggs)

. I need 'alone' time and space

. I like 'deep and meaningfuls'

. I like constructive criticism

. I am able to laugh at my self

. I am aware of both my strengths & weaknesses!

© Lindyklk  2007-2010

Seduced by the on-line world . . .

I just wanted to touch base here briefly with an update of what's been happening lately!
To be honest these past few weeks have gone by in a kind of blur and I'm really looking forward to just stopping for a day or two and breathing!!!!

That's how full on it's been. I have done a heap of 'stuff' :

• met and connected with some amazing people, 
• read and commented on more fabulous websites than ever before
• joined  a great creative community space on-line
• participated in a number of challenges and projects
• been a supporter and encourager of others challenges
• learnt (actually that should read: learning !!) a great deal about my self through some personal development interactions and groups
• discovered good intentions don't always equate to actually taking action (durrh!!) and that thinking about doing something sooo much does not mean it has happened in real time!!
• finally got back onto my Facebook page
• Realised that 'Technically challenged' really is my middle name
• Worried over grown up children's lives and learnt the value in saying nothing just providing a listening post for them
• suffered another bout of bronchitis and the flu
• discovered the value of evernote
• subscribed via both RSS feeds and email to so many great websites that I've had to make new folders and discipline myself with an alarm clock as to how long I either attend to emails/reader and social media applications (Twitter: OMG !)
• still managed to look after 3 yr. old grand daughter, toddler 'puppy' of sons, (known as 'The big black beast' . . . the dog not my son), maintained housework (mutter, mutter), and trid to learn more business related applications

Yes it's been a busy time. Don't get me wrong, I know that for most of us our days start to blur into nights into weeks and we all spend busy lives trying to fit, squash, manage all our jobs, tasks, life in this way.

However, I have to admit that once again I have been seduced by the sweet delights, enticed by the tasty morsels of learning and inspiration gained via the magic of the net.

To the detriment of creating art.
And that is an appalling state of affairs.

So where do I need to regain some balance and my sanity??
You guessed it!

credit Mirko Delcaldo

Words are not just words~

Illumination
courtesy of Dimitri Castrique

They say change is as good as a holiday.
And that can be so, (personally the holiday sounds good to me!), however one thing I do know ~ is that change is inevitable.

You can only run or hide from it for so long.
It will still be there when you peek out.

You can embrace it, attempt to control it, try and modify it, be fearful of it, gracefully accept it, procrastinate about it, or make it work for you.

Sure some of the changes that occur in our life we may feel we have no control over.
And I am quite sure we are all familiar with the 'mantra' ~ The only thing we can control in our life is our reaction /response to whatever occurs ~ (I'm sure you've heard similar sayings more succinctly put than mine!!)

The point is though, Change happens.
Sometimes it's so gradual or small we're hardly aware of it.
At other times decisions and actions are called for or needed.

I regularly come across people (on-line) who embody challenge, change and decision making with such positivity and confidence that yes, I do envy them a little bit. I admit it.

On the other hand though, I dislike the word 'challenge' soooo much. ( ridiculous I know)  It always conjures up an image of going into battle to 'win'. And of being ambitious and seeking out new goals to strive towards.

courtesy of Remigiusz Szczerbak

Tell me, how does one live a successful life (and you can define success any which way you choose) without ambition, goals and challenges?

I've never been ambitious or loved challenges.

There I've admitted it . . . oops!!

I've always been passionately 'driven and obsessed' to research and study various topics and issues and with Art and Creativity ~
The same could be said about my beliefs about human rights, about freedom, about the need to communicate and express what is within ~

So is this a case of semantics?

Of choosing words that we are more comfortable with?

Words that seem more 'safe' to us?

Courtesy of Dora Pete

And what does this have to do with change?

It's all about having a choice isn't it ?
About believing and accepting that there is 'no one size fits all'

More often than not, I embrace changes as opportunities for growth.
Actually more specifically ~ external changes ~ and the ones that don't disturb or confront 'core beliefs' about my self too greatly.
Because the greatest changes of all relating to self, ah well they produce fear, conflict and struggle within the self don't they ?

And those are the ones I'm working on most at this time, behind the scenes, in a safe place.

Isn't that what we all need; a safe space to explore and grow through change?

What do you think?

Recommendations ...

If you haven't heard or seen Kirsty hall 's web site, you'll be in for a real treat...fascinating blog and her resources section for all creative people is just fantastic....Such a lovely and genuine person as well. I have been following her for some time now and am constantly finding new or great information!

Katherine Tyrrell from Making a Mark is also one of the most valuable blogs you could possibly find. A delightful person with a wealth of information, articles and resources. The links to her other sites are fantastic too.

Sometimes because I subscribe by RSS posts to my Google reader, I have found that I really miss seeing the actual blogs / web sites so am doing my best to visit as much as possible....although Reader is great for just reading through the posts, it really doesn't have the same 'ambience' as actually visiting the sites!!

Illumination....

Sometimes it's really easy to feel we have lost our way.... it's harder to remember to find the light...

credit Hilde Vanstraelen

For the joy...

Once again I've been in research mode for the past couple of weeks....learning heaps and realising that the more I learn the more there still is too learn!!!  ( favourite saying of mine isn't it?) ....Aargh!!

Have also realised this is a wonderful creative way to procrastinate and avoid whilst at the same time I am still doing and learning!!

As artists we often go through periods where we question not only our creative art practise but also our self, human nature I think, to question to pause, to re-assess and re-define what we are in fact doing....

It's definitely an obsession of mine.... to research and trawl through enormous amounts of information, web sites, others blogs, etc. etc.

I copiously write notes, assigned to various folders, copy and paste and then print out these 'titbits' of valuable questions or info... it is both wonderful and exhausting!!

May I never lose my love of learning!!

Tug of war....

Feel like a child who wants to spit the dummy so to speak or sit in a corner sucking my thumb.

Not the most adult concept is it ?

The frustration stems from not feeling well again this week and struggling to achieve all I had hoped too.

It's hard to not feel resentful at times when I've wanted to work on some 'growth projects', finish some paintings in progress and continue with some mixed media works but 'life' has interrupted yet again.

Usually I subscribe to the theory that everything happens for a reason, that the Universe supports our growth and purpose and that it is better to go with the 'Flow' rather than fight against it, wasting energy.

I know the 'spiritual' and for that matter the logical responses, words of wisdom, whatever!!

Yet there is this sense of urgency that time is running out and I am forever two steps forward, one step back....(or more often lately it feels like one step forward, one step back!!)

I realise I need to take baby steps and just patiently work away (chip away) at my resistances and avoidance issues.

I am finding that it is difficult to let go of old habits who have become my constant companions over the past years and too much of my life still contains that dreaded word 'should'.  I loathe that word with its connotations.

                                                                          

This is not about abdicating responsibility in my life and wanting to live in a cave of seclusion doing only what I wish to do. (that would be both the petulant child and teenager within!!)

However it is the difficulty that so many women and mothers still face. That innate sense that to look after ourselves, to do what we want is somehow selfish. Now logically we know that is not true. We know that we owe it to ourselves and our families to be all that we can be, to look after ourselves and to feel fulfilled.

Logic and emotions are complex.

The tug of war still exists on some level.

That I guess is the challenge.

Finding and maintaining the balance.

Never ending changes . . .

I'm becoming more loopy every day I think.....

I've spent so much time changing, updating, reviewing and changing again, the design templates on my Blogs and practise Blog, (that's where I try out all these nifty gadgets and keep my reminder notes!), that I could have written a novel, completed a humongous painting, oh you know what I mean, just in the time it's taken me to get them to a point where I'm reasonable happy with them!

One word....

Ridiculous!

The upside is at least I've achieved something.

Working, working, working ~

Yay . . . don't you just love it when you feel you are achieving something !! I've been working steadily away 'behind the scenes' so to speak.

A new series of work is evolving and some big changes are about to happen with my blogs!!

Not only are they getting a bit of a face lift (read as: yes; I'm changing them again !!) furthermore I have added a new Blog that will be linked to this one containing loads of information pertaining to resources!!

So yes lots of exciting, challenging and time consuming activities happening at the moment!!

Fragments within ~

You know this is what I love about art and creativity. Within each work, there lies a myriad of other possibilities that are waiting to be tenderly brought out or mercilessly pulled apart . . .  Just a matter of perspective isn't it ?

Completing a Series..

Nearly completed a series of  small pen and ink drawings . . . and as usual this has generated a flood of new ideas and concepts . . .

I love working in series format . . . each one contained, complete and whilst separate, they synergistically form a whole.

It matters little what medium I use, the need for works to be in a series format is paramount!!

Each work must say enough and allow the viewer to travel through as well as into the work . . . allowing space to rest before continuing on!!

Time and planning Systems...

I'm one of those people who needs 'Structure with Flexibility' in my life . . . .

My life, (like so many others), seems to be crammed to the maximum, with all that I need to, have to, must do, and that loathsome 'should' do!

 I often feel like a dog chasing its own tail . . . . running from task to task . . . oh yes I can say I am 'multi-tasking', however it often feels more like brain overload and 'brain drain' . . .  despite my repeated attempts 'to write it out, to let it out, and to de-clutter the mind' !!

I know that when I get to that point it really is time to STOP and slow down.

It also clearly tells me that my time management and action planning needs some improvement!!

The hardest part is to actually stop trying to complete the 4,218 tasks (well that's what it seems like!!) I'm engrossed in and take a deep breath . . . 

And, shaking my head, I know the theories about prioritising, completing one task before starting another, etc etc. . . . but when I'm in that learning, research, doing mode . . . the obsession takes over!!

Photo courtesy of picaland

So here I am, having taken a deep breath and plunging into sorting out the 452 pages of written notes (okay so another slight exaggeration!!) into their appropriate folders for filing when they have been properly assimilated, worked through or on.

Have I ever mentioned I LOVE paper, I love writing on paper, I love writing out snippets of info and writing lists and note taking etc.. etc..  I love it!!

I think I have an OCD.

Photo courtesy of Peter Skadberg

I love paper and writing lists . . . there I've admitted it . . . . yes there are all these online notes, and folders/files/documents I could use . . .   ah but the smell, the feel of paper with its crisp blank pages waiting . . . waiting for that first touch of pen or ink or graphite . . . aarh ~ the sweet pleasure !!!

Except for the filing of the then huge paperwork piles.

I'm working on creating a system/s that will be appropriate for all these different elements of my life. Terrified if I file it away I may forget the information and value that is contained within those pages . . .  pathetic isn't it !!!!

Oh well 'shit happens' ~ 

The addiction and process continues ....

In an earlier post I talked about my desire to continue with this series of detailed pen and ink drawings with the concept of 'The Weaving'.

Well this past week has certainly seen me spending every spare minute completing more of these. It's been like an addiction. Seriously, each drawing takes many hours to complete and then I would start another!! I just couldn't 'get enough'.

And the more I have worked on these, the more my energy has shifted, the happier and more connected I have felt too all aspects of my self.

That's a big statement for me to make.

And note when I say I 'couldn't get enough'  I have managed to only get four completed, I'm not talking ten or twenty works here!!

Are they any good? Do they still continue to be individual ( stand alone) works?
Have I honoured the concept and the authenticity of self? Have the designs and colour used in a few of them worked? Am I happy with them?

The process has and always will be the most important aspect of my work.
The Process.

You know as I sit here writing this down, (and writing has always been my 'tool' that I use to 'think' things through and get those thoughts or feelings out), I am so aware of the honesty in that statement.
The process has and always will be the most important aspect of my work.
I thrive on it. I need it.

To become so fully immersed that everything else ceases to exist, there is only 'now' and that act of  pen to paper, brush and paint to paper or canvas is all consuming....
That emotional connection to the work itself during the process, during the very act of creating. Mentally preparing oneself through simply making the time and space, gathering the implements and materials needed. Putting the work aside when one knows it is time to stop, to look at it again in the light of day and assess. Placing various sized paper over sections of the drawing to protect it as you work on another area.

All these and more are a part of that process.

Hence why when the work is finally completed, matted and framed, it is done. My emotional connection to it ceases. It is now for others to interpret or perceive and hopefully connect too.

I am trying to train my self to document my work by photographing, cataloguing and recording the details. I have always struggled with this aspect. It is one I am not comfortable with. (It fits within the category of professional and artist in the same sentence ...and I shake my head and make a grimace!!)
However I am trying and will put some images up soon!!

In the meantime ...and I smile with pleasure ...hmmm wasn't I still needing to work on those 'pods of hope' series !!!

The balancing act .

It's the weekend which means it's 'My Time'...phew what a relief....I need this time just to 'chill' a bit!!

Have barely been on the computer lately because true to form; after an obsessive amount of time spent reading, studying etc... I needed to stop and reassess where I was at. (yes again!)

And so last weekend was spent in dealing with the humongous accumulation of paperwork piles once more!!

Then having created a 'space', the desire to 'create' became all important.

The need to put pen and graphite to paper, brush and paint to canvas has been consuming.

I'vBut here's the interesting thing; I have just realised since I've been spending this time engaged in creative pursuits; how different my energy has been on many levels.

I've felt 'lighter', less despondent and yes, more balanced.

There's a sense of purpose, a knowing that 'this' is right. A feeling of being 'complete'.

Sure I'm tired and have still had to fit in all of the daily jobs, however it's only as I sit here writing these thoughts and feelings out (thus documenting the process!) that I become aware of these 'states of being'.

I'm sitting here now savouring those thoughts and feelings, allowing them to really sink in.

Acknowledging  and recognising their value and importance.

I'm feeling so incredibly grateful at this time.

Feelings of abundance of pleasure and personal achievement of feeling all is as it should be...

Balance so essential to my well being, so difficult at times to achieve.

But damn it's good when it happens!!

Beginnings ~

More works in progress!! Gee maybe it would be great if instead of starting new works I actually finished the existing ones awaiting completion!! Wow thanks for that insight 'oh critical parent' part of me!!

Ah well, when the urge and desire is there, one needs to respond quickly!! And that's my story so I'm sticking to it!! It's called the creative process !

( Yes and a little self discipline wouldn't go astray either!)

Actually the truth is, it's great to have a few projects on the go at once for a couple of reasons. It's very easy to view one's work in a subjective manner. By putting the work aside for a period of time, a more objective perspective is gained with renewed energy and a fresh approach. Additionally it allows, in cases such as this, for the paint to dry!! Now that is practical!!

The reality is, there are times when I have the burning desire to work in a less structured, more spontaneous method; at other times I want to work detailed and tightly!! All depends on the state of one's thoughts and emotions !!

A close up of one small section

In this close up image you can see not only the blocking in graphite lines, but also how I'm attempting to use these water mixable oil paints in a similar manner to watercolours, allowing for serendipity!

Water mixable oils on canvas   40 x 50cms

Late at night . . .

It's late at night, not always a good time to write a post, however it's been a full on day and what better place to pause and reflect on what is within ?

Late last night and today I have reconnected with Twitter and the community ~  those whom I 'follow'.

So what you may say. The big deal (to me) is that it's been over a month since I last was there.

The value that I gain from this social media platform is remarkable. The ability to connect to like minded people, to those whose wisdoms and teachings are pertinent, informative and invaluable. From connecting with creative individuals from all over the world to leading and cutting edge professionals ..... it's just amazing.

For someone like my self who not only loves learning but needs too, I cannot stress the importance and value in connecting highly enough...

The greatest difficulty is trying to read all the posts and articles that such people have links too or recommended !!

It was truly a pleasure and joy to connect again.

My mind though is full of information, of questions pertaining to thought provoking articles, of newly discovered remarkable people and perceptions.

I also did something I have never done before. I took a large breath and 'bit the bullet' so to speak by purchasing a mini course by Danielle LaPorte. I've never done this before due to limited finances and the fact that it's an international transaction.

I've been tempted by so many courses/ books etc. before, yet have resisted the temptation, hence why this is a 'biggie for me!

Even now, to sit here late at night, There is a feeling of having achieved something important in my life.....

Dreams of The Weaver

I've spoken in earlier posts about my 'obsession' and connection with 'The Weaving'.

Taking the concept again, I wanted to create drawings that reflected my love of this intricate thread weaving with an area of colour, space and simplicity.

And so began a series of nine drawings (of which seven were sold before dumb dumb here took photos). Once again I have used gouache as a preferred medium along with pen and ink. I really enjoyed these and as I look at the work must admit, I want to get going on more of them!! (self indulgent ? maybe!!)

mixed media - gouache, pen and ink. size 29 x 42cm 

Dreams of The Weaver 2

mixed media - gouache, pen and ink. size 29 x 42cm

Too little creativity . . .

Well to be perfectly honest I've been really struggling the past few weeks. Despite eating well, resting when appropriate and taking vitamins; my health hasn't been so good, I keep catching colds or bugs and am just so tired all the time.

Unfortunately I'm still finding it difficult to fit in what I want to do, instead, my days seem to be full of what I need to do. I know that life can be like that at times for all of us, however it doesn't make it any easier to accept when it feels like one step forward, one step back.

That quest for the (elusive) balance in my life is once again at the forefront. If just one area of my life becomes 'out of balance' then it impacts every other aspect of my life.

The excessive tiredness and lack of energy means I'm pushing my self all the time and I understand how in one sense that defeats the purpose and compounds the problem! It's just so frustrating 'when the mind is willing, but the body isn't ............'

On the positive side though, I have caught up with all the emails and google reader items (having 3 email accounts - don't ask, long story!) which have meant far too much information to be dealt with usually; and have managed to cull a lot of subscriptions (newsletters, ezines) that just 'weren't doing it for me' any more.

I've also had my blogs set on 'private' recently to enable me to play catch up. Surprisingly one of the things I have missed most though, is the communication on Twitter !!! I have been 'off air' ever since the problems with computer and internet.

So I am starting the countdown to the weekend. By then I hope to have everything up and running again!